i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
