Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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