You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
