i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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