just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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