I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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