you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
