and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
