Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
