i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
