I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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