I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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