i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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