the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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