i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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