Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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