You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
