i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
