I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
