dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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