im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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