; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just had sex bonerless
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
