My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
