im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
