Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
