My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
