Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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