we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Come share oat with me in your robe
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
