Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
