I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Come on in and take your pants off
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
