I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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