i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
