ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
