WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She has the best kind of daddy issues
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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