Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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