I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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