idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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