Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
