I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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