It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
