I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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