Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
