I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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