I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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