Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
