I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
