If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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