ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
