I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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