we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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