I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
