I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
