some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
