she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
