I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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